Propose to me in the snow, with a ring that glitters under streetlights, a snow covered diamond.
Today was the strangest kind of fairy tale.
It was a full day, the definition of a whole life.
Dinner with K, kismet, meeting someone who understands you in a way no one else ever could
receiving a message back from him during that dinner, crying in the UCC, his walking off the bus the moment she got on and feeling okay.
R locking her keys in her car, walking to her house, frozen yogurt, driving around London, singing our heart out to Hurts so good,
spending an hour shoveling the driveway, having a team of guys literally rush in and help, one of them being a guy from a class last year, and trading numbers, begin again.
The wine and cheese party.
I have the fullest life.
Receiving that message, crying in the UCC, it was amazing, everything I needed and wanted.
Then walking in the snow, the bus coming you getting off, walking by each other, being okay.
I guess I got my movie ending after all.
So here’s a memory I’m thinking of.
That night we went for a walk. I remember where we went. It was like magic that night, in the dark, with heavy drifts coming down, the old ornate street lights on campus glowing in the dark. It was like Narnia, the way the lights looked in the snow. I remember running into your team mate and smiling because I knew, I was on the verge of being yours, of being introduced as your girlfriend. I remember the scarf I was wearing and the jacket, I remember you leaning in, saying you really wanted to kiss me.
I had a cold. So I told you not to and you didn’t.
It was only later, a day later I think, that we watched a movie, and I suddenly didn’t care.
You told me you loved me that night. Oh what a different life that was, what a different girl. I remember being confused, you said, I’ve loved you for four months, since I saw you, it’s been a long time for me. While you were figuring out how you felt, I was falling in love with you and I was terrified of telling you.
I was never sure how true that was, maybe it was though, if only because you sure as hell believed it was.
I’m crying, and that’s insane. I don’t mean then, I mean now. Thinking of this. I realize how many awful jokes I’ve made to people, how I bring you up constantly and it’s only now I realize what that means. How much damage this all did to me, how broken I was. I thought I was fine, and I think it was thinking that that made the heartbreak so delayed, the reason it took me so long to realize it was even there, let alone face it.
You haven’t answered my message. Maybe that’s fair. It’s an ending. A different one than the one I anticipated but an ending none the less. It’s a hollow thunk, a nail in a coffin being lowered into the ground. It’s your ball, your court, throw the dirt in the hole and bury it now, I’ve said my piece.
Sometimes I lie in bed and I close my eyes, and realize it was real. You and me, it happened. I see myself laughing and touching your face. I see myself crying, and getting on a plane, to save my sanity. I see holding hands down the hall. Answering the door in your sweater. I see walking through the snow, the night before you kissed me, flakes coming down so we were both covered.
look at that beautiful monster of a boy on the bus, the first one to ever tell you they loved you, and realize it was you that walked away, how could somebody ever be okay doing that?
The answer: You’re not, you cry the whole way to class, and hold your best friends hand like you’re clinging to a life raft because you are.
Sometimes sending a message is like throwing your heart into the dark with the stars and hoping it doesn’t fall like some of them do.